How to Respond to Relatives Who Comment About Your Body or What You Eat
It’s the most wonderful time of the year… pumpkin spice latte in hand, holiday baking, and nosy relatives who make comments about your body or what you eat when they should mind their own business… Well, here’s how you can respond to relatives who comment about your body or what you eat…
The holiday season is a magical time of year, BUT it can also be super stressful for individuals with a history of dieting and struggling with their relationship with food.
One of the most triggering aspects of the holidays can be when relatives comment on your body or what you eat.
Especially thanks to the almost 2-year pandemic, it’s possible that you haven’t seen your relatives in quite some time. And it’s possible that your body has changed. Both are OK. But that doesn’t mean someone should comment on your body or what you decide to eat this holiday season.
The number one takeaway I want you to get is: you don’t owe anyone an explanation.
But keep reading for more information on specifically how to respond to pushy relatives who comment on your body.
Why do relatives comment on your body or food choices?
Throughout my years as a registered dietitian I’ve found that most relatives comment on my clients’ bodies because of their own insecurities. Oftentimes a client will tell me that their mom or aunt made a comment and then reveal that they’ve noticed their own hang ups with their body or food. Or that they make strange comments about their own eating habits.
This is a telltale sign that these comments are more about them than they are about you.
This is a classic example of projecting one’s own feelings and insecurities on someone else. Perhaps your mom has struggled with her weight her entire life. If your body size has changed (which can be 100% normal, at times expected!), she may make comments about you when she’s really most concerned with herself. Remember that in this situation your mother is not as concerned about your body SIZE, but projecting her body insecurities on to you. No, it’s not fair. But yes, it happens all of the time.
So remember: it’s not you, it’s likely on THEM.
When relatives comment on your body size or shape or what you eat you have a few options:
- Ignore it
- Politely deflect
- Engage in conversation or appease them in the moment while still protecting yourself
What’s most important is that you protect your mental space. If you’ve been struggling with your relationship with food, any disordered eating, or leaving diet culture behind it’s essential that you protect your space. You may be in a vulnerable position and any comments your relatives make can be quite triggering.
Ignore it…
Now I don’t mean giving Aunt Karen the silent treatment. That’s rude.
What I mean when I say “ignore it” is end the conversation ASAP. Do not let the conversation continue at all.
To ignore what your relative says about your body or what you’re eating you may say things like…
“I don’t wish to engage in this conversation right now.”
“I don’t want to talk about my body.”
“Please don’t ask me questions like those.”
And then walk away from the conversation to have some breathing space, if needed, or ask a question about their life… (“So what do you think about the new show XXX.”)
Politely Deflect…
Another option is that you can politely deflect the conversation…
“Thank you so much for your concern, but have you ever thought about XXX [something neutral/benign]?”
“I feel confident in my body right now, but thank you for your concern. How do you feel about XXX?”
“I don’t like to talk about what I’m eating, but thanks for your concern. I would love to learn more about your recent trip to XXX…”
These responses acknowledge what your relative is talking about, but change the subject quickly.
Engage in Conversation…
Another option you have is to engage in conversation. If you’re in the right mental space, perhaps this is a good learning opportunity for your family. Use it in a way that best serves you.
How to Respond to Relatives Who Comment About Your Body
Specifically, if a relative is talking about your BODY SHAPE or SIZE, only you know how much you feel comfortable engaging in conversation.
For example, if Aunt Karen says to you “Honey I’m concerned about you because I see you’ve gained weight over the last year…” you can respond with…
“My body has changed over the past year, but I’m in a really healthy place right now. After years of struggling on and off different diets, I’ve officially stopped dieting. Instead, I’m trying to honor what my body needs to feel good, without micromanaging my weight. I’m happy to share more about what I’ve learned and the science behind it, if you’d like…”
The response above does a few things…
- It acknowledges the observation someone has about your body. Does Aunt Karen think you haven’t noticed? That’s unlikely if she’s commenting, so letting her know that you know can almost nip the entire conversation in the bud.
- You mention HEALTH. Most relatives will make a comment because they’re “concerned about your health.” It’s still mainstream to think THIN = HEALTHY. We know this is NOT TRUE. But Aunt Karen may not be up on the latest research. You don’t “owe” anyone this explanation, but it can help cut the conversation shorter.
- You explain how you arrived at this outcome. You mention the STRUGGLES you’ve had in the past with dieting. Oftentimes relatives want to “fix” the “problem.” By stating that you’ve STRUGGLED going on and off diets, you’re telling Aunt Karen that NO, you DON’T want to learn about her keto diet. It’s not the secret bullet that will help.
- “Science” plays a role. If Aunt Karen is a diehard keto fan she’s not going to agree with what you’re saying right off the bat. So perhaps by mentioning SCIENCE you can explain more to her about why health does not equate with thinness and by focusing on HEALTHY BEHAVIORS your bodyweight has found where it wants to be.
Again, this is A LOT for you to take on. And NO, you don’t have to be a crusader when it comes to discussing your body, new relationship with food, intuitive eating, or health at every size at the family holiday party. There is NOTHING wrong with ignoring or deflecting relatives comments.
But if you wish to EDUCATE, you can.
How to Respond to Relatives Who Comment About What You Eat
If a relative is talking about the FOOD ON YOUR PLATE or what you are or are not eating, the conversation may look a bit differently than if the conversation were about your body weight, shape, or size.
For example, Aunt Karen may say “That’s all you’re eating? If I ate like you I’d be skinny as a bird too.” You can respond with…
“Everything looks delicious, but I’m trying to honor my body’s hunger cues and eat the amount that’s appropriate for me right now. We all have different needs and our hunger levels fluctuate. If I’m still hungry I’ll be sure to get more.”
This response is short, sweet, and explains how you made the decision of how much food to eat. It also reassures your relatives that their holiday food tastes good (which can be the root of why the comment was made in the first place!).
Notice that you also IGNORED the comment about weight. There’s no need to engage in this conversation in this case.
In another example Aunt Karen may say something like “That’s a lot of food on your plate, no wonder you can’t lose weight.”
Remember, it’s no one’s job to tell you how much you should be eating!! Not a partner, friend, or well-meaning relative. You know how much your body needs. And if you need a refresher, check out this blog post on honoring your body’s hunger cues.
You may respond with something like…
“Everything looks delicious! I took a bit of everything and will decide how much food my body needs. I’ve been trying to listen to my hunger and fullness cues more so I know how much my body needs to feel good.”
Notice that this response also does NOT acknowledge any conversation about body weight. Instead, you’re reassuring your relative (even though you don’t have to!!) that you know what you’re doing. If you trust your body, so should your relatives!
Still finding it hard to respond to relatives who comment about your body or what you eat?
There are SO many more plausible responses to relatives’ comments, but I want you to feel empowered to only engage in a conversation that you’re ready to have. If you’re struggling with your relationship with food and want support throughout the holiday season, be sure to apply for coaching.
XO